2014 ending and 2015 beginning

For the past year I feel as if I have been played. I fell for it and I willingly let myself subject to being played.

I was disrespected yet I still continue sticking to it and hope things will be turn out the way I hope it would.

Ultimately it didn't happen yet I still stay by it like an idiot not wanting to move on or let it go for some silly reasons.

I eventually sink in deeper by trying to commit and nevertheless got hurt even more.

But as the year coming to an end. I suddenly realize the reasons I am holding on to isn't strong enough for me to hold on to it anymore.

I realize with all the pros from holding on to it the cons will be far worst. I know that I will nv be happy if I don't let it go. Saddness will forever follow me wherever I go.

Thus I think with the new year it's time to finally let it go. I foresee suffering will follow suit but I believe it won't last forever and eventually when I finally move on through the cold turkey, I will be able to see the rainbow after the storm.

ALCM you can do it and you will be a happier person in 2015. 2014 is just a learn experience and probably repaying karma for all the girls you have hurt over the years. HahaHaha

I am actually still feeling terrible. I don't want to think about it but it just keeps coming back.

I feel like ending my life. There is really so much pain that I can't handle. I hate myself.

I know it's natural that they will be doing it as a couple but I can accept it regardless of what. I don't know what can I do to stop thinking about it.

She rejected

Ok she said it's impossible to wait till marriage and she doesn't want me to restrict her. So I guess she would want to have sex with him now. There is really Nothing I can do about it.

Even she did it I won't Even know about it if she don't tell me.

But I somehow would know, because whenever she did something with him she would treat me extremely nice.

Like when she had heavy petting with her bf, the next day she would give up doing what she love the most for me. And she will just be extremely nice to me. I think she does feels guilty in a way.

So the next time she did it with him I would know would be expecting her to treat me extra nice.

She said she brought gifts for me... I guess that means she is preparing to have sex with him soon.

What I don't understand is... How can she want to have sex with him when she claims she only love me???

Would it be easier If i think I am married to a prostitute and that's is her job to sleep with others?

I am crazy really crazy... So I should just accept that she wants to sleep with others and because she loves me I shouldn't go crazy on it.

I request her not to initiate sex with him and she said ok. But I was thinking if I didn't ask for it she would initiate with him?

Ok I might understand why she would want to have sex with him but why does she need to initiate it? Oh gosh I am going crazy.. I really do not know how to react now.

Should I really just think of her as a fling?

I seriously hope I find a FB soon. Mybe that will get her off my head

Would she agree?

I told her I want her to not have sex with him till they are married. She said will discuss with me tmr. Does it means she reject my notion?

Aiyah... It's making me so nervous now

Hurt once again

I think I found out that they did it just over the weekend...

Just a couple days before she was still telling me she would push his hand away if he touches her pussy... Next thing over 1 weekend, he manage to get into her pants and finger her...

I am kinda upset... Because we were talking over the weekend and she assured me nothing happen and her mum was home all the while. I can't imagine that something would just happen out of no where.

Yes he initiate it... But to be wet enough to be fingered when she said she would swipe his hand away??  That really bruise my feelings.

The worst would be that it happen on a weekday the only weekday that she met him.. I sincerely hope not. Because if she did it on that weekday I will be super duper upset and definitely pissed. Because the day after she was complaining that she feels sore and painful and thus we can't do it... Gosh... I sincerely hope not.

I feel hurt now...

Awaken from a dream

Had a huge quarrel last night...talk about whole lots of stuff but never really settle any things at all.

She said it was to protect our relationship but said if he found out she will just tell him she loves me lots and ask him to choose.. No guys would allow their gf to love any other guys...he will definitely ask her to choose between me or him...I am guessing she might choose him because there aint no future with me.

Well I finally understand that he is an important person in her life too and its impossible that she will leave him even thou she mention in the heat of conversation. I asked if she would leave him if i said that i wanted to? She replied no. She wont do it either. So there goes...its pointless with my constant upsetting and constant uncomfortable and all.

Weekends is their day and i am just an intruder. He has something on in the evening but he will still be coming over to her place to accompany her till the time he is suppose to leave. She even woke up early to do housework so that when the bf is here she can accompany him later in the afternoon.

Initially i am suppose to pick her up from her place but she said maybe there might be a chance where he will insist on sending her or would leave her house late. So she will update later.

Yesterday i asked her are we having an affair...she said no...which part of the relationship makes me feel like we are having an affair? I hope the above ans her own question.

The fact that I must always hide in the dark and only appear when the bf leaves makes me feel like i am having an affair.

The fact that I can only meet her when she is not meeting her bf or when only the bf leaves makes me feel like we are having an affair.

Its true during weekdays she can choose to meet either one of us and she chose to meet me. However there are also times she will tell me during weekends she has to accompany her boyfriend too...So Doesnt it mean that it will only be my turn when her bf is satisfied?

I am like the leftovers, only when everyone else is satisfied then i will get my chance..

Its really time to move on and stop getting upset and uncomfortable...maybe i should really just think of it as an affair and nothing else....

I need a FB....someone who i can enjoy being with....i no longer enjoy being with her because there is just too much pain.

I need a FB but for the time being i will just treat her as one..

Last night she said if i am cold towards her she will be cold towards me...thats when i realise...this relationship really aint about love...its about companionship. Its about fun and happy times..

She said she is capable of loving two person at the same time and i believe in her because she does have history in that....oh well...I just treat it as an affair....makes my dick feels better too...

Unforgettable

I am really confuse now. She wanted to ditch her bf for me now. But only now?? After so much pain? And I really can't get over the fact that she actually went all the way with him. She got WET for him. I really can't get over that. It means she was comfortable and she wanted him to touch her..

I swear I knew she moan when he touches her and finger her. The scenario keep flashing in my head over and over again. They kissed, he Carress her, she moan, he got high, he slide his hand into her shorts and start to stroke her pussy, she got wet, he slides his finger into her wet pussy, she moans and reaches out for his erected dick.

She stroke his dick and touch the tip of his dick with her fingers. Massage the head and spreading his pre cum all over the dick head. She then lick her finger and taste his pre cum. Then she proceed to pull down his fore skin and then caress his balls.

By then he is already fingering her aggressively with his middle finger moving in and out and twirling inside her. She is moaning with estacy and at the same time stroking his dick faster and faster.

Since she was moaning he didn't have any intention of stopping and she continues to masturbate him. Finally he cums and she spread his cum all over his dick head and gives him a few more strokes.

They French kiss again with their tongues twirling inside each other's mouth and then she assist him o wipe his cum and they dress each other up.

That's the scenario that continue replaying in my head. And I really can't forgive she got wet for him and he fingers her.. Sorry...

Things willl never be the same anymore

She said it! She said she would make her relationship fail and eventually break up with her bf.....and i was like right......

First of all...she said she is not getting closer with her bf anymore because she would make this relationship fail...so if she didnt want it to make it fail she will go all the way right?..duh...She said she will find a way to break up with him....i mean come on....just because at a fit of anger you want to end it because of me..and then you decide you won't get any closer to him. The thought of her wanting to get much closer is enough to get me uncomfortable.

She claims she is protecting our relationship...What does she means? She means that when he found out about us...she would have to leave me? So whos more important now? Him or me? Of course she meant him...if not why would she need to protect our relationship? By being wary about going out with me...by having to treat him nice and by having to please him so he won't suspect anything.

Please woman...what you said really is kinda contradicting...on one side you said i am important, on the other side you said you wanted to protect our relationship because of he were to find out then it would be the end of us..boo hoo..

This guy is now so important to her that she can't bear to leave him and she has to please him, make him feel love, feel wanted, satisfied him sexually and all so that she could go out with me... So i am suppose to feel love because of that? Really? I must be living in an alternate world here cause i totally is unable to understand how does that translate into I LOVE YOU!

Secondly, She needs time to break up with him....why break up when you afraid of losing him in the first place? Why do you need the time? I do understand that she didnt what the whole friendship to be ruin too....but really why bother why you really was trying to protect OUR relationship by treating him like her husband?

I told her dont bother anyway...whether she will do it or not i wont know...but it will never be the same ever again...even if she did broke up...

I already knew she got wet for him and i already knew she masturbated him and i already knew she moan for him and i already knew she did almost everything with him....

Things will never be the same anymore..

Gaining and losing

I finally did it! I said it all out....i couldnt hold it inside me anymore...I had to blurt everything out...I really cant hold it inside me anymore...

I feel terrible holding it inside me...

She told me she wont get closer with him anymore....so Am i suppose to tell her i believe her or should i tell her how am i suppose to believe her now?

I mean even the dumbest person will say that to get out of trouble....Would she be so dumb to tell me but its normal that we will only get closer as the relationship continues?

She ask me what i want of her....can i say i want her to break up? Would she have done it? what nonsense....although i feel much better blurting everything out...now she wont tell me anything anymore...

Well i guess i gain something and i lose something...

Unbelievable

How can she really treat it as nothing has happen? I am really puzzled by it...

I mean really? After saying all those stuff and she can still go back to her bf and be happy with him? Give him all the sexual needs he wants?

Fuck me...just fuck me

Whole loads of Bull Crap

Full load of bullcrap again!!!! She said she felt heartpain that she knows i am suffering but yet still pretend that nothing is happening...YES i am suffering and i am feeling whole lots of pain...but what she gonna do about it?

She is still going to be attached...she is still going to continue pleasing his bf..she is still continuing getting closer and more intimate with the bf...what would she do?

Whole loads of bull crap....what she takes me for? An idiot? Someone who would just be smitten all over again and not feel anything?

Someone who would just apologize and try harder and treat it as nothing has happen and be happy that she will only continue get closer and more intimate with the bf and eventually having sex? I am suppose to be happy when i know their relationship is getting strong?

In mere a week or so...they gone from light to heavy petting...from touching of the outer layer of the pussy to fingering and from not touching his dick to stroking it and masturbating him....

And she wants me to just continue loving her and not leave her....sure i will promise that...i will continue seeing she and her bf get better by the day...Why wouldnt i want that? Its rather enjoyable...isnt it?

She is such a fucking hypocrite!! Getting emotional and upset and heart pain because she knows that i am in pain. And what the fuck is she going to do about it? Nothing...She is still going to be with her bf...she is still going to go further with her bf...she is still going to plan for more activities with her bf...man...i fucking hate her now...

What the Fuck does she wants of me! what the fuck!!!

Why i am suffering like this? Why do i have to fall in love...why do i have to stick to someone to dont enjoy being with but pretend i am just because someone else would feel guilty over it.

Just take my life...dont let me suffer anymore...

Let me be numb....let me have no feelings...

Sex dates

Didn't thought of it last night but only this morning. She asked about my dec trip again and confirming the dates with me. When I ask why she said oh she just wanted to remind me to text her when I reach even I haven't got data. Loads of crap!!!

She just wanted to confirm the dates I will be away so she can have uninterrupted sex with her bf!!

I feel more and more like I am being played. It's not long that they will starting to have sex soon!!! Argh!!! And she is probably planning for it already!!

Fuck it!! I wanted to confront her this morning but what's the point she will probably just lie and deny it.

I feel I really need to move on.. I had enough of being played with... What can I do? Argh... I hate this feeling...

I hate love

She says I am different already. She wants me to be happy when she is having fun with her bf? She gets wet with her bf and masturbate him, moan when he fingers her and she wants me to treat it as nothing has happen and continue treat her lovey dovely?

Come on!!! What does she treats me as? She is a woman I love! I am suffering because she wants me to stay and because she don't want to get guilty.

Now she is having physical relationship with someone else other than me and I should not think about it as long as She loves me? So I should just look beyond all those and just think she loves me?

I really wish I can do that however, The picture of how they get naked and how they touch each other and how they pleasure each other and enjoying pissed me off. I can not be the same person ever again.

I am ruined. I hate myself. I wanna die

I just found out that they went on from light petting to heavy petting. He now fingers her and make her wet while she masturbate him and even makes him cum..

I know I had already expect for the worst.. But when I know about this news I felt terrible. I don't know how do I love someone so much and not be bothered by the fact that she has doing it with another guy.

She masturbate him!!! And he even cum. Then she probably played with his cum too!! And he probably seen her naked and touch her whole body.

He fingered her, meaning she was very wet for him. She wasn't even wet for me anymore yet she was wet for him.

I feel lost... I really want to just stop loving anymore.. I really want to stop... But I can't I just can't.. I love her too much...

Sorry????

I really ain't a dumbass! I knew she did it with her bf but she is trying to treat it as nothing happen last night with her bf.

How can she treat it as nothing had happen and still wanna go out with me and get intimate with me? How is it that she is still able to kiss me when she was having a great time with her bf making out and kissing and sexing and all?

I really feel like I am so used.. I can't accept that she is alright with it. I am struggling here and all she can tell me is sorry.

What's the point of saying sorry??? Argh!!!

selfless

She didn't want me to suffer. She wanted me to be well and care for me but yet she is not willing to undertake the pressure if I be with her...

I have no idea what is she talking about.. She wants what's the best for me yet she not willing to be with me. And she made me stay with someone whom I probably have no feelings with anymore.

And she tells me to think of what's best for her. So who's being selfish here? I really don't know. Hse is getting the best of both worlds while I am stuck in an endless cycle of suffering. And I still have to pretend to be happy when I am with her.

One fine day I will just break down and call it quits. Quits to life itself.

I hate love. It hurts.

Sanity

Whenever I see pics of guys caressing a woman boobs, I think of how her bf would be doing that when they are petting...

I guess now they must be having fun already. And me? I am stuck home clearing bowels..

Don't get me wrong, this ain't about fairness. It's just happens that they are having FUN while I am suffering.

I seriously ain't sure how long can I last being sane. Or how long more can I continue talking to nobody and just listing down my thoughts... Just how long more!!!

Dinner and sex

Well I guess as much, they went home for dinner indeed. Where else right? Home would be the best place to cuddle and relax together.

She plan to meet me tomorrow so I guess tonight she will have to please him and make him a happy man so tomorrow he won't bother her.

So he picked her up from work, go buy groceries for dinner. Go home, prepare for dinner and wait for mum to come home. In the mean time shower and then cuddle till mum comes home.

Hug in each other's arms probably kissing and pressing against each other's body.

After dinner rest and what else but to go back to the room close the door and then laid down o the bed together and yes.. Cuddle.

But maybe before that it would be more frenching and hugging, letting the hands do the talking while the lips interlock with the tongue intertwine with each other. Then slowly he would grab the butt and Carress the boobs and going underneath the spaghetti strap and fondling with the nipples and pinching it slightly.

The other hand would slip into her shorts and stroke her shaved pussy and Inbetween the pussy lips making her wet. At this point in time she has already let off a slight moan when he pinch and stroke her pussy. That soft moan turns him on so much that he continues and push her to the bed. Now his already erected dick on laying on top of her wet pussy.

Being as impatience as he is, he pull the shorts and the panty down while he pull down his own pants too. She stroke his swollen dick while guiding him into her pussy.

Not sure if it's the first time they had sex but it's unprotected sex.

Anyway he is probably wearing my shorts and t-shirt now. But there is nothing I can do about it but to write it all here so I won't bother her with all my nonsense.

Evolution of a relationship

We just kissed and I was hugging her from the front and my erected dick was leaning against her pussy. Immediately after kissing i realise, she did mention that her bf did the same thing with her too and thats how she is able to feel the size of her dick.

She said he wasn't that big but i think its just an estimate. But i do believe his dick was pressing against her pussy like mine which sort of made me uncomfortable.

I mean given that she is able to sense the size of his dick from the pussy it must be pressing aginst her rather tightly...i tried just now and my dick could her pussy spreading apart as I push against it.

Don't think she got wet while i did that but maybe she did that with her bf.

Well yesterday she told me she is still considering whether to meet her bf today or not and she might not meet him. But deep down i knew she will definately meet him but unlike before i didnt say it out..i just kept quiet because it doesnt make any difference anymore.

And i am right during lunch she told me that she is meeting him for dinner tonight...and i was like ok.. duh...what else can i say? But as mention it doesnt matter..

However I am starting to believe what i suspect is right as in she is giving up what she like doing for her bf...but its still too early to say...I shall continue to monitor.

I still feels uncomfortable sometimes when we kissed because i realise she might be doing all these with her bf too...but i am getting better at ignoring it and moving on and i wont even have the urge to tell her too. Which i guess is good.

Oh and not sure if its me or not but i do feel she is starting to treat me nicer too.. so i am guessing maybe because she knows if she doesnt i will keep being insecure and then upset...thus she decided to treat me like how she willl treat her bf...which is nice and keeping him happy.

So now she is trying to keep me happy....ohhh....i should be happy....i pressume....

I am starting to feel that this relationship is becoming sexual and slowly nothing more than that....we shall see...

Daily post of a married man loving a married woman

Last night when she mention that He has something on this coming sat night, i suggested that we can meet up. But immediately she asked wouldnt it be weird that when he goes out she goes out too?

I mean seriously? now its like she belongs entire to him already? When he is out on a sat which is suppose to be their day she cant go out because she has to stay home and wait for him?

Upon hearing it i was kinda depress, because when we are together she will never say things like that. She will always plan for events when i am unable to meet her. So why is it now that she thinks its not very nice that when HE is not free for her it will be better that she stay home? And it wouldnt be nice that IF HE goes out she cant go out because SAT is their DAY?

Oh man... i feel so unjust...but regardless Love is indeed nothing but pain.

I feel so pain but i dont know what to do..but recently i have been feeling much better because i think i start to care less and not think so much. It really is much easier if i think she is married and we are just having an affair and its just a HAPPY relationship.