One of my greatest fear beside croaches..
One of the greatest challenge in my life is coming up today....well at least it is coming soon...probably later in the afternoon..when i am going to pass something to someone...
WEll i don't know if you guys guess it, but i am going to meet sharon tomorrow...i haven't seen her since we broke up...and its been more than a year and now its time i am going to meet her again....well i seriously ain't sure if i am up to the challenge.
When she message me just now regarding what time to meet later on...my mind went blank...i suddenly became nervous and scared! my heart pump double faster than its normal rate...time seems to pass by at a slower pace...my whole life seems to pause for a moment...when i am thinking of the fact that i am really going to meet her tomorrow..
Now the first thing that comes to my mind is that maybe i don't need to see her...i could leave it with the security guard at the lobby and ask her to collect it so i wouldn't have to see her...well after lots and lots of thinking and planning...i am going to implement the plan.
The reason that i don't wanna meet her its because partly...well my ego is in the way....but most importantly i am too ashamed to see her...and to let her see me...i don't want her to look down on me...or worst....take a pity of me...
Maybe its all because of my ego...but i seriously...think i do not have enough courage to bring myself up from the low i am now to see her...i can't accept the fact that even after so long i am still thinking of her...i can't accept the fact that...i am at the bottom of the pit looking up at her when she is up in the sky...while i am drowning in misery and self pity.
It also hit me...when one day i bump into her on the streets...i will never acknowledge the fact that its me... i will never be able to do that...i will run away from her...or if she didn't see me i will avoid her as far as possible....okie maybe that was bit over...but the thing is...i seriously...can't bring myself to look at her or into her eyes....i will definately look down if we bump into each other...i will definately see if her boobs got any bigger!!! NO!!! i mean...i am embarrass to look at her!! damn...!!
I can't even face her...or talk to her...but what i might be really afraid of is...when she saw me..she might...be glad that she left me....or even worst she doesn't feel anything when meeting me...she would just think its just meeting someone...and not me...its just someone who happen to know her....
I am afraid i am no longer who i was to her...but just someone who isn't anyone to her....probably thats the most important aspect of my fear.
You know when i was with alex..i thought hey...i think i got over sharon...but when alex left....i thought she will take over sharon as the person i will miss and think of the most...but it did not happen as i expected... sharon just seems to sip back into my memories.
It just seems like yesterday i was still with sharon when i went to parkway today...i couldn't hide the fact that when i was walking around...i thought sharon was beside me....but she wasn't....why is this happening? whats wrong?
People asked me...okie actually no one asked me...but the thing is i kept thinking when will i be able to stand up and meet her face to face or even talk to her on the phone....well i ain't sure...it may take foever to forget about her...or well it might take another relationship to bring myself away from this alluring clutches...(I say that because she will never be mine anymore yet it keep drawing me towards it)....
What i am gong to do? or what should/must i do to be able to break free?
2 options: i might be able to win her back.....or...i really fall into another relationship....well who knows....anything might happen..
okie...enough of the fact that i can't bring myself to see her...just hope the security trick works later in the afternoon.
WEll i don't know if you guys guess it, but i am going to meet sharon tomorrow...i haven't seen her since we broke up...and its been more than a year and now its time i am going to meet her again....well i seriously ain't sure if i am up to the challenge.
When she message me just now regarding what time to meet later on...my mind went blank...i suddenly became nervous and scared! my heart pump double faster than its normal rate...time seems to pass by at a slower pace...my whole life seems to pause for a moment...when i am thinking of the fact that i am really going to meet her tomorrow..
Now the first thing that comes to my mind is that maybe i don't need to see her...i could leave it with the security guard at the lobby and ask her to collect it so i wouldn't have to see her...well after lots and lots of thinking and planning...i am going to implement the plan.
The reason that i don't wanna meet her its because partly...well my ego is in the way....but most importantly i am too ashamed to see her...and to let her see me...i don't want her to look down on me...or worst....take a pity of me...
Maybe its all because of my ego...but i seriously...think i do not have enough courage to bring myself up from the low i am now to see her...i can't accept the fact that even after so long i am still thinking of her...i can't accept the fact that...i am at the bottom of the pit looking up at her when she is up in the sky...while i am drowning in misery and self pity.
It also hit me...when one day i bump into her on the streets...i will never acknowledge the fact that its me... i will never be able to do that...i will run away from her...or if she didn't see me i will avoid her as far as possible....okie maybe that was bit over...but the thing is...i seriously...can't bring myself to look at her or into her eyes....i will definately look down if we bump into each other...i will definately see if her boobs got any bigger!!! NO!!! i mean...i am embarrass to look at her!! damn...!!
I can't even face her...or talk to her...but what i might be really afraid of is...when she saw me..she might...be glad that she left me....or even worst she doesn't feel anything when meeting me...she would just think its just meeting someone...and not me...its just someone who happen to know her....
I am afraid i am no longer who i was to her...but just someone who isn't anyone to her....probably thats the most important aspect of my fear.
You know when i was with alex..i thought hey...i think i got over sharon...but when alex left....i thought she will take over sharon as the person i will miss and think of the most...but it did not happen as i expected... sharon just seems to sip back into my memories.
It just seems like yesterday i was still with sharon when i went to parkway today...i couldn't hide the fact that when i was walking around...i thought sharon was beside me....but she wasn't....why is this happening? whats wrong?
People asked me...okie actually no one asked me...but the thing is i kept thinking when will i be able to stand up and meet her face to face or even talk to her on the phone....well i ain't sure...it may take foever to forget about her...or well it might take another relationship to bring myself away from this alluring clutches...(I say that because she will never be mine anymore yet it keep drawing me towards it)....
What i am gong to do? or what should/must i do to be able to break free?
2 options: i might be able to win her back.....or...i really fall into another relationship....well who knows....anything might happen..
okie...enough of the fact that i can't bring myself to see her...just hope the security trick works later in the afternoon.
posted by limchunmeng at 1:10 AM
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