I am actually still feeling terrible. I don't want to think about it but it just keeps coming back.

I feel like ending my life. There is really so much pain that I can't handle. I hate myself.

I know it's natural that they will be doing it as a couple but I can accept it regardless of what. I don't know what can I do to stop thinking about it.

She rejected

Ok she said it's impossible to wait till marriage and she doesn't want me to restrict her. So I guess she would want to have sex with him now. There is really Nothing I can do about it.

Even she did it I won't Even know about it if she don't tell me.

But I somehow would know, because whenever she did something with him she would treat me extremely nice.

Like when she had heavy petting with her bf, the next day she would give up doing what she love the most for me. And she will just be extremely nice to me. I think she does feels guilty in a way.

So the next time she did it with him I would know would be expecting her to treat me extra nice.

She said she brought gifts for me... I guess that means she is preparing to have sex with him soon.

What I don't understand is... How can she want to have sex with him when she claims she only love me???

Would it be easier If i think I am married to a prostitute and that's is her job to sleep with others?

I am crazy really crazy... So I should just accept that she wants to sleep with others and because she loves me I shouldn't go crazy on it.

I request her not to initiate sex with him and she said ok. But I was thinking if I didn't ask for it she would initiate with him?

Ok I might understand why she would want to have sex with him but why does she need to initiate it? Oh gosh I am going crazy.. I really do not know how to react now.

Should I really just think of her as a fling?

I seriously hope I find a FB soon. Mybe that will get her off my head

Would she agree?

I told her I want her to not have sex with him till they are married. She said will discuss with me tmr. Does it means she reject my notion?

Aiyah... It's making me so nervous now

Hurt once again

I think I found out that they did it just over the weekend...

Just a couple days before she was still telling me she would push his hand away if he touches her pussy... Next thing over 1 weekend, he manage to get into her pants and finger her...

I am kinda upset... Because we were talking over the weekend and she assured me nothing happen and her mum was home all the while. I can't imagine that something would just happen out of no where.

Yes he initiate it... But to be wet enough to be fingered when she said she would swipe his hand away??  That really bruise my feelings.

The worst would be that it happen on a weekday the only weekday that she met him.. I sincerely hope not. Because if she did it on that weekday I will be super duper upset and definitely pissed. Because the day after she was complaining that she feels sore and painful and thus we can't do it... Gosh... I sincerely hope not.

I feel hurt now...

Awaken from a dream

Had a huge quarrel last night...talk about whole lots of stuff but never really settle any things at all.

She said it was to protect our relationship but said if he found out she will just tell him she loves me lots and ask him to choose.. No guys would allow their gf to love any other guys...he will definitely ask her to choose between me or him...I am guessing she might choose him because there aint no future with me.

Well I finally understand that he is an important person in her life too and its impossible that she will leave him even thou she mention in the heat of conversation. I asked if she would leave him if i said that i wanted to? She replied no. She wont do it either. So there goes...its pointless with my constant upsetting and constant uncomfortable and all.

Weekends is their day and i am just an intruder. He has something on in the evening but he will still be coming over to her place to accompany her till the time he is suppose to leave. She even woke up early to do housework so that when the bf is here she can accompany him later in the afternoon.

Initially i am suppose to pick her up from her place but she said maybe there might be a chance where he will insist on sending her or would leave her house late. So she will update later.

Yesterday i asked her are we having an affair...she said no...which part of the relationship makes me feel like we are having an affair? I hope the above ans her own question.

The fact that I must always hide in the dark and only appear when the bf leaves makes me feel like i am having an affair.

The fact that I can only meet her when she is not meeting her bf or when only the bf leaves makes me feel like we are having an affair.

Its true during weekdays she can choose to meet either one of us and she chose to meet me. However there are also times she will tell me during weekends she has to accompany her boyfriend too...So Doesnt it mean that it will only be my turn when her bf is satisfied?

I am like the leftovers, only when everyone else is satisfied then i will get my chance..

Its really time to move on and stop getting upset and uncomfortable...maybe i should really just think of it as an affair and nothing else....

I need a FB....someone who i can enjoy being with....i no longer enjoy being with her because there is just too much pain.

I need a FB but for the time being i will just treat her as one..

Last night she said if i am cold towards her she will be cold towards me...thats when i realise...this relationship really aint about love...its about companionship. Its about fun and happy times..

She said she is capable of loving two person at the same time and i believe in her because she does have history in that....oh well...I just treat it as an affair....makes my dick feels better too...